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00:00:21,610 --> 00:00:28,839
Good evening. It's wonderful to be back
with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Indeed

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it is. And in a packed programme
tonight, we shall be meeting the Irish

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00:00:32,439 --> 00:00:35,479
has never found a hair on her husband's
coat and thinks he's having an affair

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00:00:35,480 --> 00:00:36,530
with a bald woman.

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00:00:37,780 --> 00:00:39,440
We'll be meeting Egbert Grove.

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00:00:39,441 --> 00:00:43,649
Britain's worst train driver, who was
today disciplined by the Railways Board

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00:00:43,650 --> 00:00:47,089
for taking his train through a red light
at the junction of Tottenham Court Road

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00:00:47,090 --> 00:00:48,140
and Oxford Service.

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00:00:48,730 --> 00:00:52,929
But first, the news. The Sheffield woman
who has been trying out the new roast

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00:00:52,930 --> 00:00:56,309
beef flavoured pill announced today that
she's got a Yorkshire pudding in the

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00:00:56,310 --> 00:01:01,049
oven. In Israel tennis championships
this week, a Surrey engine driver was

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00:01:01,050 --> 00:01:05,849
forced to retire from the mixed doubles
after a low ball in the Midland region

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left his services severely disrupted.

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A government spokesman said today that
Britain will be playing her part in the

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new NATO defence package. We should be
supplying the brown paper and string.

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The Department of Fair Trading has been
called in to investigate the latest sing

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-along a Max concert after complaints
that Max Bygraves got paid £9 ,000 and

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audience did most of the singing.

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The Metropolitan Police today deny that
prisoners in their custody are

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excessively pampered. This follows
yesterday's report.

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that a man was hustled out of New
Scotland Yard with an electric blanket

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his head.

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Bendini, the circus acrobat, who claims
he can make love on a curtain rail,

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appeared in court today charged with
attempting to drape three women.

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We've now a sketch featuring Mr Ronnie
Corbett, who was late for work today. He

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was cleaning out the budgie cage and the
door slammed on him.

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And so to our first contender. Good
evening, your name please.

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00:02:22,210 --> 00:02:23,260
Good evening.

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00:02:23,261 --> 00:02:26,269
In your first heat, your chosen subject
was answering questions before they were

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asked. This time, you have chosen to
answer the question before last each

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Is that correct?

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00:02:30,710 --> 00:02:31,760
Charlie Smithers.

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And your time starts now. What is
paleontology?

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Yes, absolutely correct.

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What's the name of the directory that
lists members of the peerage?

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A study of old fossils.

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00:02:48,010 --> 00:02:50,720
Correct. Who are Len Murray and Sir
Geoffrey Howe?

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00:02:51,500 --> 00:02:52,550
Birks.

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00:02:54,500 --> 00:02:57,510
Correct. What is the difference between
a donkey and an ass?

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One's a trade union leader, the other's
a member of the cabinet.

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Hold on.

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00:03:07,700 --> 00:03:09,870
Complete the quotation, to be or not to
be?

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They're both the same. Correct.

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00:03:12,940 --> 00:03:14,740
What is Bernard Manning famous for?

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That is the question.

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00:03:16,961 --> 00:03:21,509
Who is the present Archbishop of
Canterbury?

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00:03:21,510 --> 00:03:23,390
He is a fat man who tells blue jokes.

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Correct.

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00:03:25,910 --> 00:03:27,590
What do people kneel on in church?

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The Right Reverend Robert Runcie.

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00:03:30,750 --> 00:03:33,330
Correct. What do tarantulas prey on?

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Hyssocks.

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00:03:35,490 --> 00:03:36,540
Correct.

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00:03:36,730 --> 00:03:38,840
What would you use a ripcord to pull
open?

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00:03:40,450 --> 00:03:41,500
Large flies.

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00:03:42,750 --> 00:03:45,530
Correct. What sort of a person lived in
Bedlam?

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00:03:45,870 --> 00:03:46,920
A parachute.

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00:03:47,630 --> 00:03:49,590
Correct. What is a jockstrap? A nutcase.

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Correct.

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For what purpose would a decorator use
methylene

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00:04:01,650 --> 00:04:04,110
chlorides? A form of athletic support.

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00:04:04,410 --> 00:04:07,170
Correct. What did Henri de Toulouse
-Lautrec do?

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00:04:07,910 --> 00:04:08,960
Paint strippers.

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00:04:10,050 --> 00:04:11,770
Correct. Who is Dean Martin?

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He's a kind of artist.

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Yes. What sort of artist?

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That's near enough.

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00:04:24,700 --> 00:04:27,170
What make of vehicle is the standard
London bus?

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A singer. Correct.

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00:04:29,700 --> 00:04:33,640
In 1892, Brandon Thomas wrote a famous
long -running English farce. What was

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00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:34,850
British Zealand.

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Correct. Complete the following
quotation... I started so I'd finish.

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the following quotation about Mrs.
Thatcher.

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Her heart may be in the right place, but
her... Charlie's aunt. Correct.

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Good evening.

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I'm the Fuzz.

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I'm actually a plainclothes officer, but
today's my day off.

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Now, where I work, at Marylebone Police
Station, we have the worst crime record

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in the country.

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At least we used to have before somebody
stole it.

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00:05:21,310 --> 00:05:23,960
It was Shaw Taylor singing Give Me Five
Minutes More.

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00:05:23,961 --> 00:05:28,039
And that's where you come in. Now, the
crime figures in Britain today make

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pretty grim reading. Now, you just
listen to this.

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In Pinner, last weekend, a store was
broken into and a large quantity of eye

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drops were stolen.

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00:05:36,480 --> 00:05:39,310
Detectives are looking for someone with
very sore eyes.

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00:05:39,940 --> 00:05:43,959
Next day, a large quantity of pear drops
were stolen and detectives are now

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looking for a nude lady who plays the
accordion.

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Now, if you recognise this joke or can
give information about the comedian who

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00:05:53,920 --> 00:05:58,239
stole it, Let us know at once. In the
meantime, here is a very rough identikit

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of his name.

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But our problems don't end there. We in
the police force are perilously

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understaffed, and we need recruits fast.

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00:06:10,080 --> 00:06:13,020
But remember, we do insist on stiff
requirements.

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00:06:13,320 --> 00:06:18,080
So if you've got a stiff requirement,
you're just the man we're looking for.

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As you've probably heard, we no longer
accept men under six foot. Why not?

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00:06:22,890 --> 00:06:25,540
it's too much trouble digging them up,
for one thing.

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Remember also that there is a minimum
leg requirement, namely two.

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Or four, if you want to join the police
dog section.

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In Marylebone, we have a very fine dog
section.

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My own police dog, Fang, can be relied
upon to do his duty around the clock.

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And sometimes round the leg of the
dining room table.

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00:06:50,470 --> 00:06:54,560
Now, if you don't fancy becoming a talk
handler, there's always the policewomen.

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00:06:54,650 --> 00:07:00,590
Now... To become a policewoman, you'll
have to be in pretty good shape.

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Preferably this shape.

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Here we see a lady chief inspector with
the flying squad.

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00:07:07,850 --> 00:07:09,530
And there are her sweeney boppers.

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Now, at police college, you will be
taught the basic rudiments of the job.

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Essential things every policeman must
know, like how to wear a helmet. Now,

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is a lot easier.

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Now,

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this is a lot easier.

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Now, this is a lot easier than it
sounds.

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Now, here we see the wrong way to wear a
helmet.

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Sorry, silly that. No use at all. But
worn correctly, a police helmet will

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considerable protection where you need
it most.

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Also, at police college, you will be put
on a three -week crash course to learn

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the police telephone number. Now, this
number is specially designed to be so

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simple that only a complete simpleton
could ever forget it. The number is, of

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course... I've got it written down on a
piece of paper here somewhere.

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Oh, yes, of course, 666.

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This is not to be confused, of course,
with calling 999, which is something my

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00:08:13,510 --> 00:08:15,860
German au pair does in the back seat of
the Mini.

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also be fully schooled in the oriental
martial arts. Now, this means that when

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an eight -foot skinhead comes at you
with a chainsaw, you simply position

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body so as to counterbalance the net
mass of your opponent and by a subtle

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of your fulcrum, reduce his overall
angular momentum.

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If this fails, kick him in the conkers.

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00:08:37,841 --> 00:08:45,579
You can also be taught how to deal with
shoplifters. Now, some shoplifters use

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some pretty ingenious methods. I once
had cause to approach a woman who I was

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pretty certain and been smuggling out
bars of soap down the front of her

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Eventually, of course, she made a clean
breast of it.

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Now, if you join the drug squad, you'll
need to identify certain suspicious

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00:09:00,140 --> 00:09:02,430
substances, like, for instance,
marijuana.

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There's one.

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00:09:08,980 --> 00:09:10,720
Cross between a marrow and a banana.

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You will also have to deal with cement
sniffers.

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That's glue sniffers who've moved on to
the hard stuff.

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00:09:19,959 --> 00:09:25,419
Our next track, which brings us to
drunken drivers. Now here, here we have

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new breathalyzer bag.

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Very simple to operate. All you do is to
press your mouth to this bit here.

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And if you enjoy

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00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:49,010
it, you're drunk.

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00:09:52,831 --> 00:09:59,539
Finally, if you would like to join the
police force, you've got an O -level in

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brain surgery and stand six foot in your
stocking feet or five foot eleven in

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00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:08,299
fishnet tights, then write for your
application form. Now, one final word of

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00:10:08,300 --> 00:10:11,579
warning. When you do join up, the gents
at Scotland Yard has only just been

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00:10:11,580 --> 00:10:13,960
repainted, so mind how you go. Good
night.

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You reckon we'll have longer now than we
used to?

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00:10:32,450 --> 00:10:34,370
Oh, undoubtedly, yes.

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00:10:35,230 --> 00:10:37,330
I never lived so long in my life.

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00:10:38,850 --> 00:10:42,370
It's because they've gone back to the
breastfeeding, you know. Oh?

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Well, mother's milk's much better than
cow's milk.

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How do you reckon that, then?

155
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Well, it's always fresh when the cat
can't get at it.

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00:10:58,280 --> 00:11:00,720
And it comes in handy little containers.

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00:11:02,640 --> 00:11:07,540
Yeah. And you don't have to leave them
out for the milkman.

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The woman next door does.

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00:11:30,700 --> 00:11:34,780
Baby cried the day the circus came to
town.

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Cause she didn't want the rage of
passing by her.

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So she painted on a smile and took up
with some clown.

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And danced without a net.

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Like me

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Baby saw the day they pulled the big top
down.

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Left behind her dreams among the litter.

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And the different kind of love she
thought she found.

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With nothing more than sawdust and some
glitter.

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00:13:14,530 --> 00:13:16,830
But baby can.

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She had the finest teacher that to me

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The dateline is 2012.

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England is in the grip of a new regime
of terror.

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00:15:07,030 --> 00:15:11,370
Traditionally a land of brave heroes and
great statesmen, Nelson, Wellington,

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Disraeli, Churchill.

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00:15:14,110 --> 00:15:18,249
Britain now laboured under the yoke of a
power guaranteed to strike fear into

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00:15:18,250 --> 00:15:22,130
the hearts of all men. The country is
being run by women.

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00:15:24,470 --> 00:15:26,710
It all started with Margaret Thatcher.

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00:15:27,040 --> 00:15:31,039
Housewives all over England, delighted
at her rise to power, voted more and

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00:15:31,040 --> 00:15:34,300
women in and more and more men out.

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00:15:37,040 --> 00:15:42,139
A few years later, the Germaine Greer
knicker uprising made 1984 a far more

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00:15:42,140 --> 00:15:44,790
terrifying year than even George Orwell
predicted.

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00:15:44,791 --> 00:15:49,019
Men's clubs were abolished, gentlemen's
toilets closed, creating widespread

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00:15:49,020 --> 00:15:51,359
distress among thinking and drinking men
everywhere.

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00:15:51,360 --> 00:15:54,070
Gay libbers naturally were the first to
go to the wall.

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00:15:55,180 --> 00:15:59,159
The advance of feminism was by now
making itself felt in public and

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00:15:59,160 --> 00:16:01,680
spheres. Names of buildings were
changed.

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00:16:01,681 --> 00:16:05,379
The Houses of Parliament were still the
Houses of Parliament, but immediately

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00:16:05,380 --> 00:16:09,680
the all -woman government took over. Big
Ben was renamed Big Brenda.

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00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:17,599
By 1998, the newly formed State Police
had established their headquarters in

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00:16:17,600 --> 00:16:18,720
old Tower of London.

190
00:16:19,280 --> 00:16:24,000
This historic fortress, with its grisly
associations of torture and executions,

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00:16:24,220 --> 00:16:28,379
had been given the name of a former folk
heroine and was now known to all and

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00:16:28,380 --> 00:16:29,840
sundry as Barbara Castle.

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00:16:32,320 --> 00:16:35,960
The state police marched around the
country in squads.

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00:16:37,460 --> 00:16:40,900
They were omnipotent and carried all
before them.

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00:16:46,460 --> 00:16:48,160
Quite a lot behind them as well.

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00:16:52,400 --> 00:16:56,700
It had become, in short, an England
completely dominated by the female sex.

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00:16:57,060 --> 00:17:03,159
Even the Union Jack had now become the
Union Jill, a sad travesty of its former

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00:17:03,160 --> 00:17:04,210
self.

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00:17:21,480 --> 00:17:25,700
Women were the breadwinners. They gave
the orders. They made the decisions.

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00:17:26,220 --> 00:17:29,020
They were the union leaders, the
captains of industry.

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00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:30,890
And the men?

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00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:33,740
Well, let's start with this one.

203
00:17:35,780 --> 00:17:37,380
Because it has indeed been.

204
00:17:38,160 --> 00:17:39,210
Really.

205
00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:41,520
Cartwright, J .W.

206
00:17:41,880 --> 00:17:46,080
He is employed as a tea boy at the
secret police headquarters in Barbara

207
00:17:46,320 --> 00:17:49,640
He has a pass with his photograph on it,
pinned to his overall.

208
00:17:50,300 --> 00:17:55,859
He lives in a two -roomed flat in
Perryvale, and he is the worm that is

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00:17:55,860 --> 00:17:56,910
turn.

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00:17:57,800 --> 00:18:02,359
His main adversary, everybody's main
adversary, was the commander of the

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00:18:02,360 --> 00:18:05,660
police, a woman with an iron will and
underwear to match.

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00:18:08,100 --> 00:18:14,909
Now, ladies, it has been suggested by
certain opposition factions... that

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00:18:14,910 --> 00:18:19,110
men should once again be allowed to
revert to wearing trousers.

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00:18:20,050 --> 00:18:26,230
And I can see that to you, as well as to
me, this whole concept is unthinkable.

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00:18:26,330 --> 00:18:32,289
They must be kept in frocks if we are to
retain the control which we have fought

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00:18:32,290 --> 00:18:33,610
so hard to achieve.

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00:18:34,470 --> 00:18:39,810
Trousers have always been the symbol of
the male overlord. Here in England...

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00:18:40,080 --> 00:18:44,100
Trousers were traditionally always worn
by the head of the family.

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00:18:44,400 --> 00:18:49,340
In those olden days, all women had an
image of their perfect man.

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00:18:49,720 --> 00:18:51,830
Nice strong black one for you, wasn't
it?

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00:18:52,600 --> 00:18:59,379
And yet, deep down, there was always a
resentment. A spirit of rebellion which

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00:18:59,380 --> 00:19:04,659
was ready at any time to burst to the
surface. When our mothers and

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00:19:04,660 --> 00:19:09,220
burnt their bras way back in the 70s,
what did this reveal?

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00:19:09,920 --> 00:19:12,090
Nothing at all for you, as far as I
remember.

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00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:18,859
It revealed that at last women, the
creators of life, the protectors of the

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00:19:18,860 --> 00:19:23,499
young, the guardians of the future, were
ready to assume the mantle of

227
00:19:23,500 --> 00:19:28,939
leadership. The masterstroke, however,
was to insist on the changeover in

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00:19:28,940 --> 00:19:29,919
traditional dress.

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00:19:29,920 --> 00:19:33,680
Once the men had to wear the frocks,
they were subjugated.

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00:19:34,120 --> 00:19:38,160
As soon as we took their trousers away,
they were putty in our hands.

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00:19:38,400 --> 00:19:41,300
After all, what did they have left?

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00:19:41,740 --> 00:19:43,300
Two lumps and a sponge finger.

233
00:19:49,160 --> 00:19:53,179
While on the other side of London,
another downtrodden male goes about his

234
00:19:53,180 --> 00:19:57,759
everyday chores, only half conscious of
the seeds of rebellion which are growing

235
00:19:57,760 --> 00:19:58,810
inside him.

236
00:20:10,540 --> 00:20:11,590
Oh, it's you, Janet.

237
00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:13,010
Yeah, how are you?

238
00:20:13,300 --> 00:20:16,190
No, no, no, not at all, no, no. Just
doing a bit of housework.

239
00:20:16,380 --> 00:20:18,800
Yeah. I don't know why I bother either.

240
00:20:19,660 --> 00:20:23,459
Yes, I work and slave to keep it all
clean and tidy. She just comes home,

241
00:20:23,460 --> 00:20:26,710
down in an armchair, falls asleep in
front of the television set.

242
00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:29,330
Just broken two of my blasted
fingernails as well.

243
00:20:29,900 --> 00:20:32,550
Look, are you coming round as usual this
afternoon?

244
00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:34,320
Well, yes, I've made a cake.

245
00:20:34,940 --> 00:20:37,110
No, no, nothing fancy, no, just a plain
one.

246
00:20:37,260 --> 00:20:39,120
Well, I've got to watch the old figure.

247
00:20:39,150 --> 00:20:42,520
I can't get into that blue dress she
bought me for my birthday. Right.

248
00:20:44,070 --> 00:20:45,210
Okay, see you later. Bye.

249
00:20:53,870 --> 00:20:54,920
Oh, damn.

250
00:20:56,930 --> 00:20:58,290
New pair on this morning.

251
00:21:17,130 --> 00:21:18,270
Let me take your coat. Oh.

252
00:21:18,630 --> 00:21:20,370
Well, how are you, Betty, old chap?

253
00:21:20,510 --> 00:21:22,070
Oh, fine, fine, mustn't bother.

254
00:21:22,310 --> 00:21:23,360
Sit down.

255
00:21:23,490 --> 00:21:24,690
Thank you. Nice cup of tea.

256
00:21:26,730 --> 00:21:30,470
Oh, you've changed the curtains, haven't
you? Yes, yes, yes.

257
00:21:30,471 --> 00:21:35,289
Oh, before I forget, the drama club have
been on, and they said, would I be in

258
00:21:35,290 --> 00:21:38,349
this year's production again? I said, I
would if you would. I presume you would,

259
00:21:38,350 --> 00:21:41,300
wouldn't you? Oh, rather, yes. Wouldn't
miss that for work.

260
00:21:41,370 --> 00:21:42,420
What is it?

261
00:21:42,421 --> 00:21:45,169
Well, of course, you know they've made
them change the titles of all the plays

262
00:21:45,170 --> 00:21:46,730
that have sexual connotations.

263
00:21:46,780 --> 00:21:49,460
Oh, they're not doing Juno and the
Peahen?

264
00:21:49,780 --> 00:21:50,830
No.

265
00:21:51,220 --> 00:21:52,270
Moby Dillis?

266
00:21:52,271 --> 00:21:55,579
No, you remember the one that used to be
called Little Women? Well, now it's

267
00:21:55,580 --> 00:21:57,080
called Little Men.

268
00:21:57,980 --> 00:21:59,960
You'd be good for the leading, actually.

269
00:22:00,720 --> 00:22:01,770
Which part is that?

270
00:22:02,180 --> 00:22:03,620
Arthur, the eldest daughter.

271
00:22:04,060 --> 00:22:05,380
Oh, it gets so complicated.

272
00:22:06,840 --> 00:22:08,400
Betty, old chap, I'm in trouble.

273
00:22:08,401 --> 00:22:09,439
In trouble?

274
00:22:09,440 --> 00:22:10,940
Don't tell me John's pregnant.

275
00:22:10,980 --> 00:22:12,030
No, no.

276
00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:17,190
No, it's just that I'm being spied on at
work.

277
00:22:17,280 --> 00:22:18,330
What, at the castle?

278
00:22:18,331 --> 00:22:21,959
I think the secret police have heard
about my collection of chauvinistic

279
00:22:21,960 --> 00:22:24,559
I'm sure that house is going to be
searched any moment.

280
00:22:24,560 --> 00:22:25,940
We'll have to get rid of them.

281
00:22:26,140 --> 00:22:27,880
Can't you see? Not before Thursday.

282
00:22:27,881 --> 00:22:31,139
You know, I'm having the private show in
the auction rooms.

283
00:22:31,140 --> 00:22:33,979
It'll be the last, because it's just
getting too risky. Did you know that you

284
00:22:33,980 --> 00:22:37,290
can get three months' hard labour for
showing a Humphrey Bogart?

285
00:22:37,291 --> 00:22:40,429
So, you want me to spread the word to
the rest of the lads, eh?

286
00:22:40,430 --> 00:22:43,829
Yes, if you would, in the secret code,
tell them Sewing Circle meets on

287
00:22:43,830 --> 00:22:45,330
Thursday, as usual. Same place.

288
00:22:45,331 --> 00:22:47,669
Does he mind you using his auction
rooms?

289
00:22:47,670 --> 00:22:51,469
Who, Greta? No, he's a great chap,
Greta. He'd give you the dress off his

290
00:22:51,470 --> 00:22:52,520
if you asked.

291
00:22:52,521 --> 00:22:55,949
Right, so if it happens, I should be
seeing some of the lads in the morning.

292
00:22:55,950 --> 00:22:57,289
really? Why, are you going to keep fit?

293
00:22:57,290 --> 00:22:58,490
No, having my roots done.

294
00:23:16,140 --> 00:23:23,209
Susan, give Cheryl a knock, will you,
damned old fools? There's a deck of the

295
00:23:23,210 --> 00:23:24,260
post. No, no.

296
00:23:26,650 --> 00:23:27,700
Come in.

297
00:23:30,510 --> 00:23:31,560
Cheryl.

298
00:23:31,710 --> 00:23:32,760
Oh.

299
00:23:33,210 --> 00:23:35,130
Showing evening Thursday, all right?

300
00:23:35,750 --> 00:23:37,430
Oh, good, good.

301
00:23:40,330 --> 00:23:41,380
Oh, Thursday.

302
00:23:41,990 --> 00:23:43,040
Huh.

303
00:23:43,230 --> 00:23:45,890
My wife goes out with her boozing pals.

304
00:23:46,870 --> 00:23:48,470
Pass it on, will you? Yeah.

305
00:23:52,370 --> 00:23:53,650
Gracie. Gracie.

306
00:23:55,190 --> 00:23:57,230
I think we can turn things on.

307
00:24:17,741 --> 00:24:22,429
Annie, what the devil are you doing
here, old boy?

308
00:24:22,430 --> 00:24:23,480
Police.

309
00:25:06,481 --> 00:25:09,159
who are the police looking for?

310
00:25:09,160 --> 00:25:10,640
Will Janet be discovered?

311
00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:14,610
Will the policewoman see him? Or will
the vanishing cream do the trick?

312
00:25:16,040 --> 00:25:17,700
Is Betty a man to be trusted?

313
00:25:18,600 --> 00:25:23,940
Find out next week in another exciting
episode of The Worm That Turned.

314
00:25:37,280 --> 00:25:42,660
What? Now you told me the doctor said
you could only have two points a day.

315
00:25:43,500 --> 00:25:44,550
That's right, yeah.

316
00:25:45,160 --> 00:25:48,480
Well, your missus tells me you have half
a dozen.

317
00:25:49,140 --> 00:25:50,400
Yeah, that's right, yeah.

318
00:25:51,040 --> 00:25:52,090
How come?

319
00:25:53,340 --> 00:25:57,000
Well, I went to two other doctors and
they both are laying me two points.

320
00:26:14,190 --> 00:26:15,240
No, it's pretty kind.

321
00:26:15,241 --> 00:26:18,749
I'll have a pint of... What, a pint of
mard? No, a pint of... A pint of bitter?

322
00:26:18,750 --> 00:26:22,649
No, a pint of... A pint of mard and
bitter? No, a pint of shandy. Oh, a pint

323
00:26:22,650 --> 00:26:24,770
shandy. A pint of shandy, Jack, will
you?

324
00:26:24,771 --> 00:26:26,409
I haven't seen you in here lately.

325
00:26:26,410 --> 00:26:29,589
No, as a matter of fact, I've been
off... Off on holiday, have you? No,

326
00:26:29,590 --> 00:26:32,510
Off beer, have you? No, um... Off
colour.

327
00:26:32,730 --> 00:26:33,780
Off colour?

328
00:26:33,781 --> 00:26:35,489
What's been the matter with you, then?

329
00:26:35,490 --> 00:26:38,870
Well, I happened at work, got these
strange feelings in my... In your

330
00:26:39,090 --> 00:26:40,470
No, in my... What, in your back?

331
00:26:40,570 --> 00:26:41,650
No, in my... In your side?

332
00:26:41,810 --> 00:26:43,130
No, in my... In your backside?

333
00:26:49,740 --> 00:26:53,340
What sort of feelings? Well, it happened
in the canteen, you know.

334
00:26:53,800 --> 00:26:58,080
I was sitting opposite this woman and
she got one of those... Look in her eye.

335
00:26:58,260 --> 00:27:00,740
No, one of those... What, hourglass
figures?

336
00:27:01,000 --> 00:27:02,940
No, apple turnovers.

337
00:27:04,000 --> 00:27:08,000
So she got this apple turnover and she
kept... Turned it over?

338
00:27:09,320 --> 00:27:11,910
No, she kept toying with it. Oh, toying
with it, yeah.

339
00:27:12,000 --> 00:27:13,050
Oh, there we are.

340
00:27:13,340 --> 00:27:17,010
Thank you, Jack. Thank you very much.
Cheers, cheers. Yeah, cheers, cheers.

341
00:27:17,011 --> 00:27:20,789
Anyway, as I say, we were sitting
opposite each other at this little

342
00:27:20,790 --> 00:27:24,010
Yeah. And I suddenly felt her... Her
hand on your knee.

343
00:27:24,230 --> 00:27:25,280
No.

344
00:27:25,490 --> 00:27:26,930
Her hand on your other knee. No.

345
00:27:26,931 --> 00:27:29,829
What did you feel then? What's she got
her hand on? What did you feel then? No,

346
00:27:29,830 --> 00:27:30,880
no, no.

347
00:27:30,970 --> 00:27:34,990
No. No, well, I felt... I felt her
looking at me, you know.

348
00:27:36,250 --> 00:27:40,449
I could tell she fancied me, you know.
We got chatting about this, about

349
00:27:40,450 --> 00:27:43,469
gardening and all that. Oh, yeah, yeah.
And it came up in a conversation that

350
00:27:43,470 --> 00:27:45,270
I'm very good on... On the lawn.

351
00:27:45,510 --> 00:27:46,560
No.

352
00:27:49,520 --> 00:27:50,570
On Friday nights.

353
00:27:51,440 --> 00:27:53,120
Now, I'm very good on pest control.

354
00:27:53,260 --> 00:27:54,310
Oh, I hear you.

355
00:27:54,311 --> 00:27:57,499
So she said to me, what are you doing
this afternoon?

356
00:27:57,500 --> 00:28:00,259
I said, oh, I should very probably be
out shopping because the wife will be

357
00:28:00,260 --> 00:28:02,180
resting in bed with her... With any
luck.

358
00:28:02,420 --> 00:28:03,470
No.

359
00:28:04,140 --> 00:28:05,360
No, with her trouble. Oh.

360
00:28:05,361 --> 00:28:07,199
What trouble's she got then?

361
00:28:07,200 --> 00:28:10,559
Well, ever since she worked at a Greek
restaurant, she's had bad... Bad habits.

362
00:28:10,560 --> 00:28:14,620
No, bad... Bad breath. No, bad... Bad
feet.

363
00:28:14,840 --> 00:28:15,890
Oh, has she?

364
00:28:16,180 --> 00:28:20,419
Yeah. So... She says, look, she says,
you come round. I could sunbathe in the

365
00:28:20,420 --> 00:28:24,000
patio, she says. Yeah. And you could
look at my big, um... Big what?

366
00:28:25,100 --> 00:28:26,150
Big what?

367
00:28:26,460 --> 00:28:27,510
Begonia.

368
00:28:28,340 --> 00:28:29,390
Well,

369
00:28:29,391 --> 00:28:33,199
at first I refused because I was a bit
taken aback, you know. Yeah. I said, no,

370
00:28:33,200 --> 00:28:37,600
I couldn't. I said, because I didn't
have a long enough, um... What?

371
00:28:37,820 --> 00:28:39,920
I didn't have a long enough, um... What,

372
00:28:40,660 --> 00:28:41,940
a spray or what? No, no.

373
00:28:42,340 --> 00:28:44,930
No, a long enough shopping list to be
away that long.

374
00:28:44,931 --> 00:28:50,579
I went, cos she pleaded with me, didn't
she? She pleaded with me. She said if I

375
00:28:50,580 --> 00:28:54,860
didn't go round there, she'd be lying
there all afternoon on her... On her

376
00:28:55,120 --> 00:28:57,940
No, on her... On her front. No, on
her... On her begonias.

377
00:28:58,480 --> 00:28:59,530
No,

378
00:28:59,820 --> 00:29:00,870
on her own. On her own.

379
00:29:00,871 --> 00:29:05,499
So there she was in her sun suit and we
wandered about and everything, and I

380
00:29:05,500 --> 00:29:08,699
suddenly said to her, I said, I would
like to kiss you, I said. Well, she

381
00:29:08,700 --> 00:29:10,860
immediately got on her... Hands and
knees.

382
00:29:13,200 --> 00:29:15,040
No, on her eye holes. Oh, her eye holes.

383
00:29:16,040 --> 00:29:22,180
She said, sir... She said, I think
you're a little, um... A little raver?

384
00:29:22,181 --> 00:29:23,819
A little drunk?

385
00:29:23,820 --> 00:29:25,460
No, a little premature.

386
00:29:25,960 --> 00:29:27,500
Oh, a little premature drunk.

387
00:29:28,920 --> 00:29:32,759
She said, I've only known you an hour,
she said. You'll have to wait another

388
00:29:32,760 --> 00:29:33,810
minutes.

389
00:29:35,880 --> 00:29:38,230
Then she went indoors, you know. Oh,
yeah, yeah.

390
00:29:38,231 --> 00:29:40,939
Well, I stayed behind and tidied up the
rockery and that kind of thing. Then I

391
00:29:40,940 --> 00:29:43,959
went indoors, and there she was, waiting
for me in the hall. In the hall

392
00:29:43,960 --> 00:29:44,859
together?

393
00:29:44,860 --> 00:29:46,300
In the hall of the house. Oh.

394
00:29:48,120 --> 00:29:52,899
Well, a nice time was that by all, and
afterwards she gave me a round of... A

395
00:29:52,900 --> 00:29:53,950
round of applause?

396
00:29:54,200 --> 00:29:58,840
A round of... A round of golf? No, a
round of toast, a cup of tea. Oh.

397
00:30:00,460 --> 00:30:02,690
When I got home, I was very worried.
Why, why?

398
00:30:02,691 --> 00:30:05,319
Well, I thought the wife had found out.
I walked in. Do you know what she gave

399
00:30:05,320 --> 00:30:06,139
me? What?

400
00:30:06,140 --> 00:30:08,859
The moment I walked in the door, she
gave me a bunch of... A bunch of Pfizer,

401
00:30:08,860 --> 00:30:09,479
I'm afraid.

402
00:30:09,480 --> 00:30:10,620
No, a bunch of begonias.

403
00:30:12,311 --> 00:30:13,799
Thank

404
00:30:13,800 --> 00:30:25,079
you.

405
00:30:25,080 --> 00:30:30,280
Tonight, as a slight change of policy,
I'm going to tell a new joke.

406
00:30:32,390 --> 00:30:36,570
In fact, this joke is so new, I haven't
even heard it myself yet.

407
00:30:37,470 --> 00:30:41,669
Which has been, because, well, it's been
a very busy, somewhat distressing week

408
00:30:41,670 --> 00:30:42,720
at home this week.

409
00:30:43,330 --> 00:30:48,929
For a start, our own little boy was very
upset over the news that the new train

410
00:30:48,930 --> 00:30:52,780
set we bought him for his birthday had
been cancelled due to staff shortages.

411
00:30:53,290 --> 00:30:59,429
So by way of a reparation, on Monday
afternoon, I said I'd mend

412
00:30:59,430 --> 00:31:01,650
his little dinky car.

413
00:31:02,140 --> 00:31:06,519
you know, a little bit unfortunate as it
turned out because at one point the

414
00:31:06,520 --> 00:31:08,690
jack gave way and I was pinned to the
carpet.

415
00:31:10,640 --> 00:31:15,200
So suddenly, suddenly, in rushed my
wife.

416
00:31:15,400 --> 00:31:17,810
She said to me, she said to me, tiddles,
she said.

417
00:31:18,940 --> 00:31:21,940
Tiddles, she said. She's got a shocking
memory for faces.

418
00:31:24,200 --> 00:31:25,250
Tiddles, she said.

419
00:31:25,380 --> 00:31:29,359
She said, in fact, she's got such a bad
memory for faces, on three occasions

420
00:31:29,360 --> 00:31:32,190
this week she put lipstick and eyeshadow
on the milkman.

421
00:31:34,939 --> 00:31:37,349
Or at least that's what he told the
judge. Anyway.

422
00:31:39,580 --> 00:31:40,630
Tiddles, she said.

423
00:31:40,820 --> 00:31:44,360
I've just had two nasty accidents, she
said, in the car. Tiddles.

424
00:31:44,860 --> 00:31:48,540
She said, first I backed into a
lamppost, then I knocked down a keep

425
00:31:48,700 --> 00:31:50,980
and then I ran right over Arthur
Scargill.

426
00:31:50,981 --> 00:31:54,319
I said, just a minute, that's three
accidents.

427
00:31:54,320 --> 00:31:55,940
She said, no, only two accidents.

428
00:32:05,260 --> 00:32:10,180
Thank you, Tories. Anyway, on to this
joke, the one I haven't heard. Remember?

429
00:32:10,580 --> 00:32:12,140
I wonder what it came to me about.

430
00:32:12,840 --> 00:32:14,100
It's exciting, isn't it?

431
00:32:14,660 --> 00:32:15,710
Isn't it?

432
00:32:16,400 --> 00:32:19,760
Now, I do know that it all takes place
on board a ship.

433
00:32:20,240 --> 00:32:23,180
The captain was a very strange piece of
work.

434
00:32:23,380 --> 00:32:25,900
He had a very rough, old, wooden leg,
you know.

435
00:32:26,260 --> 00:32:28,970
A habit of sitting down and blistering
his barnacles.

436
00:32:29,820 --> 00:32:31,660
Mind you, he certainly knew...

437
00:32:31,880 --> 00:32:36,780
He certainly knew how to throw a party.
Good heavens. Food, drink, women, music.

438
00:32:37,180 --> 00:32:39,100
You hardly noticed that we're missing.

439
00:32:42,440 --> 00:32:46,719
Although on the last party he threw,
I'll be honest, things did get a bit out

440
00:32:46,720 --> 00:32:48,890
hand. I remember I was sitting in the
corner.

441
00:32:49,520 --> 00:32:51,040
We were well into injury time.

442
00:32:51,260 --> 00:32:55,839
I was sitting there, still feeling
rather groggy after sampling the crow's

443
00:32:55,840 --> 00:32:56,890
soup.

444
00:32:57,620 --> 00:33:00,660
It was quite obvious that the captain
had had one or two.

445
00:33:01,450 --> 00:33:02,650
I blame the drink myself.

446
00:33:04,070 --> 00:33:08,689
Most of the crew were in a somewhat
amphibious condition, singing songs like

447
00:33:08,690 --> 00:33:10,740
in the mood for love and it's
impossible.

448
00:33:13,550 --> 00:33:18,809
When all at once one of the lady
passengers leapt up onto the table and

449
00:33:18,810 --> 00:33:23,649
our very eyes proceeded to put away half
a pint of lager, got half drunk, took

450
00:33:23,650 --> 00:33:28,409
half of her clothes off, then attempted,
half attempted really, to sing half of

451
00:33:28,410 --> 00:33:29,460
a dirty rugby song.

452
00:33:30,139 --> 00:33:32,489
ended up making a complete monocle of
herself.

453
00:33:35,960 --> 00:33:38,340
It takes a little while, that one,
doesn't it?

454
00:33:40,700 --> 00:33:44,859
Disgusting behaviour for a woman of 30,
I thought. I was so shocked, I almost

455
00:33:44,860 --> 00:33:46,240
dropped my Polaroid camera.

456
00:33:46,241 --> 00:33:50,899
Which, by strange coincidence, has
nothing whatsoever to do with the joke,

457
00:33:50,900 --> 00:33:55,360
which, as I say, takes place on board
this American naval destroyer.

458
00:33:55,361 --> 00:33:59,059
Where there's an urgent message that's
just come through on the radio to say

459
00:33:59,060 --> 00:34:01,820
that the father of sub -lieutenant Hiram
J.

460
00:34:02,080 --> 00:34:04,780
Hennessy has just passed away.

461
00:34:05,100 --> 00:34:09,559
Everybody went quiet with that name. Has
just passed away at his home in

462
00:34:09,560 --> 00:34:13,079
Seattle. And the rear admiral calls the
captain and he says, you're Hennessy's

463
00:34:13,080 --> 00:34:16,739
immediate commanding officer. I think
you should be the one to tell him.

464
00:34:17,300 --> 00:34:19,410
So the captain, it's rather good that
way.

465
00:34:20,580 --> 00:34:21,659
So the captain.

466
00:34:22,380 --> 00:34:26,158
The captain radios through to Hennessy,
who is down at the engine room, as

467
00:34:26,159 --> 00:34:28,859
delicately as he can. He says, as
delicately as he can, he breaks the

468
00:34:28,860 --> 00:34:32,580
news. He said, Hennessy, your old man
has snuffed it over and out.

469
00:34:34,080 --> 00:34:36,850
Well, the rear admiral overhearing this
is disgusted.

470
00:34:37,520 --> 00:34:38,840
I am disgusted, he said.

471
00:34:40,380 --> 00:34:42,550
There you are. What did I tell you? I
told you.

472
00:34:42,880 --> 00:34:46,130
He said, that was the most heartless
thing I have ever witnessed.

473
00:34:46,131 --> 00:34:50,218
When you're telling someone like that
something of great urgency, you have to

474
00:34:50,219 --> 00:34:50,999
it gently.

475
00:34:51,000 --> 00:34:52,099
Use the personal touch.

476
00:34:52,100 --> 00:34:55,399
Soften the blow for the poor fellow. So
as luck would have it, or chance, a day

477
00:34:55,400 --> 00:34:58,439
later, another message comes through,
this time for petty officer

478
00:34:58,440 --> 00:35:03,360
Schultzenheimer, to say that his mother
has just passed away.

479
00:35:04,340 --> 00:35:07,470
Actually, she was so upset by the death
of R .M .G. Energy's father.

480
00:35:09,080 --> 00:35:11,430
She decided life wasn't worth living
anymore.

481
00:35:11,431 --> 00:35:14,879
Once again, it falls to the captain to
break the news. So remembering what he'd

482
00:35:14,880 --> 00:35:18,319
been told, he decides to try a different
approach. Instead of going straight to

483
00:35:18,320 --> 00:35:22,979
Schultzenheimer, he puts out a special
order that at 1800 hours for all the men

484
00:35:22,980 --> 00:35:26,779
to assemble on deck. And when they're
all there lined up in front of him, he

485
00:35:26,780 --> 00:35:28,359
calls for silence. He says, right.

486
00:35:28,360 --> 00:35:31,760
He said, all those with mothers step
forward.

487
00:35:31,980 --> 00:35:33,660
Not so fast, Schultzenheimer.

488
00:36:45,100 --> 00:36:48,280
I got the loot. I got the gat. I got the
outfit.

489
00:36:48,660 --> 00:36:51,760
I got the stout fit. Every well -dressed
gangster wears.

490
00:36:52,120 --> 00:36:53,200
They call me Al.

491
00:36:53,440 --> 00:36:58,859
They call me Spatz. But if a pal, she
call me Pats. He'll get the packet, the

492
00:36:58,860 --> 00:36:59,859
wooden jacket.

493
00:36:59,860 --> 00:37:01,800
Every well -dressed gangster wears.

494
00:37:02,340 --> 00:37:04,680
We're just your friendly neighborhood.

495
00:37:05,120 --> 00:37:06,520
So the big shots disagree.

496
00:37:07,360 --> 00:37:11,800
We rule the block with a big knock
-knock and a little rat -a -tat from me.

497
00:37:12,140 --> 00:37:13,190
We got the boots.

498
00:37:13,320 --> 00:37:14,370
We got the jets.

499
00:37:14,840 --> 00:37:19,520
There's Al Capone in Alcatraz. He's in
the plane kit, the ball and chain kit,

500
00:37:19,640 --> 00:37:21,740
every well -dressed gangster wears.

501
00:37:22,660 --> 00:37:28,579
If you want someone bumped, if you want
a fella dumped and dumped, if you want

502
00:37:28,580 --> 00:37:31,500
your grandma thumped, fat son of a guy.

503
00:37:32,520 --> 00:37:37,320
If you've got nagging wives, Interflora
can improve their lives.

504
00:37:37,640 --> 00:37:41,360
But who sends a bunch of fives? Fat son
of a guy.

505
00:37:41,760 --> 00:37:43,980
When a guy's got a beef at the butcher.

506
00:37:44,560 --> 00:37:49,000
Or the bills that the dentist has
billed. Then we give a chop to the

507
00:37:49,240 --> 00:37:51,360
And the dentist is gonna get filled.

508
00:37:52,380 --> 00:37:54,400
If you desire a gent.

509
00:37:54,860 --> 00:37:56,980
And a little journey should be sent.

510
00:37:57,680 --> 00:37:59,440
Get wrapped in fresh cement.

511
00:37:59,920 --> 00:38:01,220
That's another guy.

512
00:38:05,180 --> 00:38:07,420
Yes, we're in the gambling racket.

513
00:38:08,040 --> 00:38:09,700
And we play the fruit machine.

514
00:38:10,100 --> 00:38:14,820
Oh, the jackpot comes when you get three
plums, but we just get tangerines.

515
00:38:16,600 --> 00:38:21,020
Yes, we're in the numbers racket, and
the quick returns are nice.

516
00:38:21,540 --> 00:38:26,240
It's ten on three with Wang Haile, but
all we get is two flied lice.

517
00:38:26,440 --> 00:38:30,700
If you want a little first -rate brandy,
Napoleon is A -OK.

518
00:38:31,380 --> 00:38:35,780
But if you want to pick a bootleg
liquor, the Wellington has got bouquet.

519
00:38:36,760 --> 00:38:40,840
Yes, we're in the moonshine racket, and
we brew the bathtub gin.

520
00:38:41,100 --> 00:38:45,319
But it rots the chrome when it starts to
foam, because the lifebuoy's so

521
00:38:45,320 --> 00:38:46,370
filling, you know.

522
00:38:49,320 --> 00:38:55,159
Midnight through to afternoon, we play
blackjack and pontoon. Playing alcafoni

523
00:38:55,160 --> 00:38:58,230
when the lolly isn't phony, then you
really got a twist off us.

524
00:38:59,000 --> 00:39:03,500
If you want to make a buck, can't afford
to dress to luck.

525
00:39:03,820 --> 00:39:08,019
So I have a dozen aces in some funny
little places. You really got a grist or

526
00:39:08,020 --> 00:39:12,800
bust? I'm playing poker with some big
joker with every hand he scores.

527
00:39:13,820 --> 00:39:18,500
This vigilante says, up the ante, and I
reply, oh, no, up yours.

528
00:39:18,900 --> 00:39:21,060
You lose a name of past.

529
00:39:21,360 --> 00:39:23,460
She was sweet, but she was flat.

530
00:39:23,461 --> 00:39:27,059
Patty's looking better with a cushion up
her sweater. Now, you really got a

531
00:39:27,060 --> 00:39:29,040
grist or a bust?

532
00:39:33,520 --> 00:39:38,779
When the gunman meets a piece of sky,
then the guy used to do the dirt, shoots

533
00:39:38,780 --> 00:39:42,800
the cups upon his Sunday shirt, cause
it's Valentine's Day today.

534
00:39:43,420 --> 00:39:48,299
When a guy in Sing Sing starts to smile
cause he's got a cake that's full of

535
00:39:48,300 --> 00:39:52,719
fire, then he'll soon be shooting down
the aisle, cause it's Valentine's Day

536
00:39:52,720 --> 00:39:57,999
today. When the fellas in Chicago took a
beating, Al Capone had a party for the

537
00:39:58,000 --> 00:40:00,620
lot, he took a load of whiskey to the
meeting.

538
00:40:03,630 --> 00:40:08,730
As they lined up in the back street
yards, Al Capone winked at all his

539
00:40:08,870 --> 00:40:12,970
And each time, boys, they got their
cards. On Valentine's Day today.

540
00:40:35,630 --> 00:40:36,910
Hey there, cutie.

541
00:40:37,130 --> 00:40:38,190
You're amazing.

542
00:40:38,191 --> 00:40:39,569
You're a beauty.

543
00:40:39,570 --> 00:40:42,390
You're a big success. You're a real
princess.

544
00:40:42,650 --> 00:40:44,050
You're the valentine girl.

545
00:41:42,890 --> 00:41:44,130
or small or sassy.

546
00:41:44,370 --> 00:41:48,509
Though you're five foot one, though
you're half a ton, you're about time to

547
00:41:48,510 --> 00:41:49,560
for me.

548
00:42:10,971 --> 00:42:17,519
Well, that's about all we have time for
tonight, but before we go, a few late

549
00:42:17,520 --> 00:42:18,479
items of news.

550
00:42:18,480 --> 00:42:22,659
There was good news today for Inigo
Limpet of Gay Lib when he qualified as a

551
00:42:22,660 --> 00:42:25,430
doctor. He aims to be a queer nose and
throat specialist.

552
00:42:29,700 --> 00:42:35,739
Latest on the bullion robbery, at
Wandsworth Police Station, a man who's

553
00:42:35,740 --> 00:42:39,559
as a post and doesn't speak English,
with a terrible stutter, bad breath and

554
00:42:39,560 --> 00:42:43,470
squeaky shoes, is not helping the police
with their inquiries. One little bit.

555
00:42:43,471 --> 00:42:49,789
Finally, Royston Kildare, the Dewsbury
man who wants various parts of his body

556
00:42:49,790 --> 00:42:53,749
to be used in transplant operations, was
out practising this morning. He offered

557
00:42:53,750 --> 00:42:55,130
his seat to a woman on the bus.

558
00:42:55,131 --> 00:43:00,969
Next week, we'll be meeting the man who
only three months ago went into business

559
00:43:00,970 --> 00:43:05,669
making miniaturised pocket calculators.
And things are already going so well

560
00:43:05,670 --> 00:43:07,650
that he's looking for smaller premises.

561
00:43:07,651 --> 00:43:14,599
having a word with the secretary who
made love to her boss on a Sunday and

562
00:43:14,600 --> 00:43:16,220
him the time and a half of his life.

563
00:43:16,221 --> 00:43:20,549
Until then, it's goodnight from me. And
it's goodnight from him. Goodnight.

564
00:43:20,550 --> 00:43:25,100
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